


this feeling (i wish i could freeze and own it)

by humanveil



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Nonbinary Character, Trans Snape Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:39:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27600137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanveil/pseuds/humanveil
Summary: Take your pick,Lucius says,and be down by nine.
Relationships: Lucius Malfoy & Severus Snape
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	this feeling (i wish i could freeze and own it)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Snapescapades](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snapescapades/gifts).



> flashfic for trans snape week 2020! i’ve always imagined severus doesn’t get much of a chance to explore his sexuality/gender until his post-hogwarts days, so here’s my attempt at writing it out. title comes from fight sleep by dangy, which started playing when i realised i hadn't named it yet. 
> 
> **tw** for hinted abuse/bullying & a mention of queer being used as a slur.

_Take your pick,_ Lucius says, _and be down by nine._

It isn’t unusual; rather, it’s the opposite. Severus has been borrowing robes for almost as long as they’ve been friends, the shame it used to stir long-since fading to something mellow, muted, the feeling a far cry from the sharp pang of self-hatred he remembers experiencing the very first time. No, it’s not Lucius’ permission to raid his wardrobe that surprises him. It’s what’s inside.

Over the years, Severus has accumulated a small collection of Lucius’ hand-me-downs: Dark robes with too-long hems and too-wide shoulders, the fabric clumsily altered with what he remembered from his Mam’s sewing lessons. They did the job—and truthfully, he wasn’t one to care if they didn’t—but on nights like tonight, where he is to rub elbows with the pure-blood elite, is to re-introduce himself not as a victim, but as someone to be respected… he needed more than work-worn robes. It’s why he finds himself here, browsing a small selection of pre-selected outfits. 

The first options are what he’d expected. They were the kind of dress robes he’d seen his housemates wear, the fabric thick and heavy, elegantly tailored. Most were dyed the colour of royalty, their hems decorated by lace, embroidery, silver linings. Anything that could hint to wealth. The next few were less expected, and the ones after that, not at all. They looked better fitted to Narcissa, not Lucius, and the sight of them make something inexplicable stir in Severus’ chest: hope, desire, dread all mixed in one. He feels oddly exposed.

Six months ago, he’d had no name for the discontent he’d been experiencing. The discontent that had always been there, quiet and buried, hushed by Tobias’ sharp glances and Cokeworth’s unkind words. _Queer_ had been thrown at him for as long as he could remember, and on some level, he’d always seen the truth in it, had always _felt_ it. But it wasn’t until he’d stumbled upon a shelf in Malfoy Manor’s library that he’d really, finally, had the knowledge to explore the feeling completely. _Tradition, Magical: Social and Interpersonal, Identity & Expression _had been more than a little enlightening, and he’s wondered ever since he’d borrowed the first book if Lucius had noticed just _what_ kind of things he’s been reading.

He can see now that Lucius had. The sight before him is all the confirmation he needs. It’s also, he supposes, a type of acceptance: Subtle, implied, without an overt display of emotion… Severus can’t imagine Lucius any other way.

He eyes the outfits, his gaze lingering on those that would no doubt be mistaken for dresses by any ordinary Muggle. A surprisingly strong desire stirs in his stomach. A _longing._ There is a note of fear that flickers alongside it, and Severus has to remind himself that it’s unnecessary; the people he’s meant to meet will think nothing of it, he knows. Wizarding traditions are far more open than the Muggle ones he’s used to.

The watch on his wrist reads a quarter to nine, and Severus knows he must act. With only a small moment of hesitation, he pulls the darkest robe from the feminine section and dresses quickly. It only takes a few whispered spells for the robe to adjust to his body, the shift so seamless only a trained eye would catch that these clothes did not belong to him.

When he catches sight of himself in a mirror, his breath catches in his throat. The robe hugs his body, the feminine cut accentuating the curve of his waist, its skirts falling to his booted feet. His hair, no longer chopped or tied, falls down to his shoulders, the lank strands framing his face. He looks like a picture of androgyny. Looks almost as he feels. As he’s been imagining himself, lately.

For a moment, Severus stays there like that, watching his reflection. He’s accustomed to the self-hatred that often accompanies mirrors; to find it subdued fills him with a lightness that’s foreign, and he wants to bask in it, to burn it into his memory.

It’s not until a clock chimes, signifying the hour, that Severus moves. 

As he re-enters the Manor’s entrance hall, the only acknowledgement his outfit gets is a small, knowing smirk as Lucius beckons him over to where he stands beside a man Severus has never seen before.

“This is Severus Snape,” Lucius is saying as he approaches. The way his hand clasps Severus’ shoulder is second nature. “They’re a recent Hogwarts graduate…” 

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted to [my tumblr](https://sistersblack.tumblr.com/post/635007608935399424/snapeloveposts-trans-snape-week-day-one).


End file.
